randominternet:

1. “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.” 

2. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

3. “Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

4. “if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way”

5. “When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.”

6. “I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”

7. “All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”

8. “But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.”

9. “I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!”

10. “Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”